Happy New Year.

I haven't been able to piece any words together. My mind is reeling with memories, both sweet and excruciatingly painful. I'm thinking about the whole concept of a "new year" and why people get so hyped. Everyone is constantly looking for hope. Everyone is always looking for a fresh start, a second chance. When a new year approaches, slates are wiped clean, or so it is hoped. "That person has to forgive me now; it's a new year!" or, "I'm going to get myself together by making a militant list of things I must do to become the person that I need to be in order to be happy." What sort of language is this?

I just can't stop thinking. I've said "Happy New Year" to only a handful of people tonight, and then I stopped. Not because I'm anti or emo (what's the new hip term that replaced "emo"?), it's just... Well, I don't really know why. I mean, I am excited for a new year. This past year may very well have been one of, if not the darkest year I've lived through. I'm so glad to be rid of it and on to something fresh and new. But see? What does that mean, "fresh" and "new"? Every single day is such. So why, then, do I say this now, and not at the start of every day? Perhaps it's because I think, "Hey, the people who have been acting crazy will probably take a break. I mean, they can't justify their evil around the start of the new year, can they?" Well, they did last year...so why couldn't they do it again? There is an automatic false sense of security that we thrive on during this time. Where it comes from? Well, I have an idea, but then again, I think we all do.

It may be inferred that I am encouraging melancholy or static behavior at the start of a new year. I assure you, I am not. I am simply bringing to light some things that I have never before found interesting or worth spending more than five minutes thinking about until this night. Of course, a lot of things have been on my mind lately, so I'm not surprised...

I don't know. Anything can happen at any given moment. I only wish we were this positive and optimistic more often than not. Some of us are, yes, but not necessarily for the same reasons as we are now. Or some try to speak their way to optimism with inflated words of solace when deep down they are ailing with every breath. If there's one thing I learned during 2011, it is that there is no time for poppycock. No time for fake, lofty, philosophical shite. If everyone would just get down to the nitty gritty.... Not that it's easy to do, but hey. Life isn't sugar. Hell, half the time, it isn't even sugar-coated. But should it have to be?

Since I have no real direction in which I'm trying to go, I suppose I should find some way to stop here. I learned a lot this year. A lot about people, actions, motives. Certain things I didn't know I learned until tonight, and some I won't be aware of until years from now, maybe. But my point, I guess, is that God is an amazing Father. I can't handle to think about how much He's looked after me, consoled me, held me in His arms while I threw fits, sent other people to hug my very soul with seemingly meaningless displays of kindness and compassion... I am just. gobsmacked. when I think of it all. Real talk, if He had not been with me, I might be anywhere. Dead, even. And maybe others, too, by my own hand. It sounds crazy and morbid to think that way, but it is when those earth-shattering realizations come to smack you like an oar in the face that you understand just that much more of who God is. It is my hope, among others, for this year that I catch even more glimpses of who my Father is through His word, and through the people that he places in my life, saved or not. I some ways I am frightened of what may happen this year, and in other ways, I am very excited. But in all ways, I am curious. Curious as to where my God will take me, and how much of Himself He'll reveal to me and in what ways as my hand rests in His.

May you all catch a glimpse or two of our Lord this year.