(when religion hurts more than it heals)

Now that school has begun again, the wells of writing have run dry. Granted, there are more things happening that spark various thoughts which could easily be expounded upon, it's just that my mind is lazy. I'm lazy.

I saw something this evening, though, that stabbed me in the heart a little bit. So, here we go... (You should sit down. Or pee now rather than later.)

A friend of mine (who may or may not see this! *nervous*) posted a quote from Bill Maher (it wasn't cited and I'm too lazy to look it up) in which he essentially states that the inner peace found by associating with a given religion comes at a big price if that religion has been known to cause a lot of pain and suffering for a large number of people. He says that to be a part of any religion that engages in harmful activity is to say that you're okay with those behaviors, and that you are in fact an enabler of them. My friend followed this quote with their own thoughts on the matter saying that since moving to southern California, they have been irked by the number of people who adhere to religions that have blatantly been "oppressive, violent, and bigoted" in the past, while being seemingly indifferent about the damage, and that more violence has come of religion than peace.

This, of course, is not the first time I've seen feelings such as these expressed. However, every time I see them, it makes me angry, and I always tend to brush the whole thing under the rug in an act of avoidance behavior...until now. This time, I started thinking about why I get so angry and defensive. I'm not angry with the people who express these observations. I'm not defensive because I want them to know that I am different. I get angry because I really want them to know Jesus. I want them to know that He knows about the pain and suffering that human beings have undergone in the name of faith. I want them to know deeply how much He cares and longs to wrap His arms around them and show them that those things aren't what He's about. I want them to know that He is nothing like the dreadful things that have been done in His name.

But here's where I get really uncomfortable. Sometimes the urge to communicate Jesus and who He is gets tangled with the human urge to be correct. You wrack your brain for all the right verses to post in obnoxious succession on this person's status, inundating them with the very thing that makes them angry (not to say that one should withhold the gospel to keep people "happy," but there are as many ways to share it as there are souls on this earth). The counter reaction to this, however, can be the blurting out of "Jesus is nothing like His followers, I promise!" or to say nothing at all. While I strongly believe that we should absolutely point people to Jesus, the bigotry and oppression that happens in His name isn't going to magically become invisible and I reckon people will wonder why the actions of "Christ's people" don't often seem to line up with Him or His teachings. Wouldn't you?

I'm sure part of this problem comes from misrepresentation. We will always hear about the groups of "Christians" who congregate near places that are frequented by specific groups of people, holding ironically blasphemous signs and not showing the least bit of care for fellow human beings. We will always hear about the pastor who repeatedly abused children or one who was involved in a lengthy affair, all while still being "active in the ministry." Whenever these stories come out, we are very quick to either ignore it ("Yeah, you know the devil's at work...") or to flail about saying "the rest of us aren't like that!" when I think we may need to spend more time proving it. I think we often gravely underestimate the power of living Jesus, instead hoping that our Bible-mouths will do the trick all on their own.

I didn't set out with a real goal here (and there is MUCH more that could be said), but the conclusion I've come to at this moment is this: religion can and will cause pain, but Christ isn't the source of that pain, and He can also heal it if you let Him.


Just a (long) thought. Please share yours. <3


-mm-



P.S. I will try not to always be so dismal. Perhaps next time I'll write about how disgusting the bathrooms are in the music building...

Pessimistimo.

I'm a reasonably positive person. Or, I used to be. Not quite sure anymore. I mean, happiness isn't really a staple item in my emotional inventory. But the other day I had a thought...

I don't remember what I was doing, or thinking for that matter, but whatever it was sparked a devastating realization: I think I'm a pessimist.

I've come to a point where even if good things are happening, I don't believe they'll last for long. I am constantly, actively, waiting for the next heavy blow. It's as if I've come to a point where I won't even allow myself to become happy for fear of something dreadful coming right behind it and causing my world to come tumbling down all over again. I began to think about whether or not this has always been the underlying case and, if it hasn't been, why it is now.

The conclusion to which I came can best be described as the feeling you get when you wash NyQuil down with potent coffee. (Long story. Just don't ever do it.) The juxtaposition felt within your gut is nauseating. So keep that in mind when I say that in some ways my hope has diminished greatly, and in other ways it hasn't. This comes mainly from the fact that I'm speaking of two different types of hope.

I've stopped believing that good things are going to happen in the near future because 1) they've been bad for so long, and 2) why believe that when I don't know it to be true anyway? But then I notice the words "good" and "bad." What I see as being good currently may not be in the big picture, and what I see as being bad could be good in the big picture. It is for this reason that my constant Hope remains. I have hope in the fact that Christ loves me to the nth degree, doesn't enjoy my pain, wants and knows what is best for me, and will lovingly carry me through whatever comes between now and Heaven. The thing is, most people would gather that life isn't much fun when you're slumming around in the emotional middle ground, but to be honest, I find joy more often than not. There are always hundreds upon thousands of things to be thankful for no matter how dismal things get. You may just have to work a little harder to find them.

In fact, sometimes I wonder whether or not there's even anything technically wrong with what I've decided to temporarily call "being levelheaded." I mean, obviously, imagining that you're going to die in a car crash just because you had a wonderful day is an issue. But what about simply waiting to see what happens without being incredibly hopeful so as to not have your spirits crushed when things don't go as planned? I imagine some would say that my current method of dealing is a one of self-preservation and I would have to agree with them. We are conditioned to avoid actions and situations that have led to pain in the past. So, at this point, why would I be inclined to be hopeful when few positive things have come of it before?

Yesterday, my pastor spoke of Abraham and his history of events as they pertained to the cultivating of his faith. Something that struck me throughout was how long it took for Abraham to trust. How long it took for his faith to outweigh his feelings.* It wasn't the fact that I thought he should've gotten a grip sooner than later. It was the fact that the dude was old. And that I'm a baby. It took literal years for his story to unfold (as is the case with everyone, but I hope you get what I mean). I don't mean that to be an excuse to learn lessons more slowly because I've "got all the time in the world." We have been given the stories of those who have gone before us partially, I'm sure, to aid us in wrapping our thick skulls around various concepts perhaps more quickly than they did. What I'm saying is that maybe all this time, all these wearisome chapters, have been cultivating my faith and I've been blind to it. Duh.

That's not to say that I'm going to be all smiles now. The fact remains that the future is still unknown, and I will probably continue in my method of self-preservation until something happens to change the need for it. However, maybe the pain will be that much more bearable knowing that He sees all and is never idle, always holding our fragile hearts in His all-encompassing hands.

Now the battle will be to find the tight little space between thinking that I'm going to win the lottery next month without even buying a ticket (overly positive) and thinking that I'm going get hit by a monster truck while crossing the street on my way back from an LA Phil performance (overly negative). Me and my sick little mind...

Prayers, yeah? S'il vous plaît et merci.


*I emphasize "outweigh" here because I think it's exactly that and not the elimination of human feelings.


Peace & pancakes.



-mm-

Titles are ominous.

Well, well, well.

It's been awhile.

I suppose a small explanation of my absence is in order, but the truth is, I don't have one.

Anything I could come up with to say would either be unnecessary, excusatory, or both. What I will do is offer an explanation as to what has brought me back here.

In short, I began following a girl on Twitter who leads a wonderful project which, after poring over for hours with tears in my eyes and warmth in my heart, caused me to once again have the desire to speak up just a lil' bit. ;)

I've always been a strong believer in talking about the hard things, which is ironic seeing as how I rarely ever do it. The whole "I'll-do-it-if-you-will" mentality is nothing more than a hindrance if no one has the courage to stick their nose out there. So, here's my nose. Again.

If you're new here, I would suggest that you read the very first post written here. Because it was written in 2011 (apparently a rough time?), you may find it a bit rough around the edges. I like to think that I'm more gentle these days, but perhaps I'm not. :) In fact, I thought long and hard about erasing everything on here in some absurd attempt to......I don't know, polish my image?! I decided that not only would that be an issue of integrity, but it's also the very antithesis of what I'm trying to do here. Going back and reading those posts has allowed me to see change in myself, and/or lack thereof. To be honest, I still agree with most of the things I wrote back then. Not sure what that says about me, but we'll just have to explore that together, won't we. :)



Looking forward to sharing with and (especially) hearing from you.



~mm~


P.S. Fair warning, I use "which" a lot. I really am trying to stop.