Don't look at me; I'm growing.

Sometimes growing just sucks. You know where you are, and you know where you need to be, but there's all that junk in the middle that you aren't allowed to fast-forward through. Actually, it isn't junk at all; not by any means. It is in fact what allows you to become what you will later be, making it the most spectacular thing there is about growth. So then why is it so agonizing for some? Embarrassing, even? Obviously, I can't speak for everyone (though I'd be much more comfortable doing so), but I've had a lot of time to think and evaluate over break, which I am almost (at times) tempted to classify as being dangerous because some things are brought to light that I'd rather not see...

An example of this would be my perfectionistic mentality. Now, any who know me, if only inch deep will have caught some glimpse of this. There is no way to keep it hidden, and so I no longer try. This trait manifests itself in countless ways, but I am convinced that I am only aware of maybe five out of 398,573 of them. Anyway, I discovered that one of the areas in which this problem presents itself would be that of the growth process. Not necessarily one in particular either. Simply this (as stated before): I am aware of where I am, and also (somewhat) of where I want or need to be, but I am not humble enough to outwardly do the work that is required of me to get there. "So, you're lazy," you may say. Well, that's the conclusion I came to in the beginning before I realized that...that isn't it at all. Nothing could be worse than laziness...right?

I don't like to be seen or observed when I'm "growing."

I don't like people listening to me practice.

I don't like people watching me write.

I don't like people seeing me read my bible.

Not only do I dislike these things actually happening, but even the possibility of one of these events taking place is--get this--enough to keep me from doing them.

I'm insane. I. am. INSANE.

Granted, I have grown (ha!) in this struggle with vulnerability over time, but the fact that it was even there to begin with is shameful and bothersome. (And here we are again.)

It really is the silliest of problems. The ideal setup would be this: "Wow, she used to suck dirt. And now, for some mysterious and miraculous reason, she's fantastic. Gee, wonder what went on in between stages?" To which I would smirk in a coy way and keep my secrets to myself. Or maybe I would reveal them. I'm not sure.

Actually, yes. I would. I would say, "Well you know, I used to struggle in such and such a way, and I worked through it by doing this that and the other, and so can you, if that sort of thing works for you." I can just hear myself...

I shared this in an attempt to be transparent with a personal issue that bugs the living shiz shit out of me. (If you flinch at "four-letter words," then you probably shouldn't be here.) It is my goal to share more of these deep, dark, twisted issues in the hopes that maybe someone else is going through something similar and/or somehow understands.

If nothing else, at least you'll know more about who I am.