Sometimes I'm tempted to think that my life is a big joke. A big taunt, or a massive middle finger. I go back and forth between realizing that I'm surrounded by brilliantly kind people and circumstances that are completely derived from grace, and then wondering endlessly if my life is ever, for any longer than a day at a time, going to consist of good, happy, positive things. Whining, essentially. But not the typical sort that goes, "Wahh wahh, why is this happening to me?! I don't deserve this, and I sure as hell didn't ask to be born!" It is slightly more complicated than that. It's more of a, "Is this forever? I mean, I'm trying to take what I can away from all of this, but I'm tired of it. What do I have to grasp for this to go away? Is it going to get easier, or must I prepare for a life of cryptic misery and pondering things that may not be mine to dwell on?" kind of thing. I suppose the closest thing to compare that version to would be "worry." Honestly, I would simply just like to flip a few pages ahead. Skim a little bit. That's one of the pains about life; you can't skim.
What I'm realizing, though, is that we're not meant to. Every day serves some purpose, as does everything that happens, even (and sometimes especially) the things that we don't like, or even hate. We're not meant to understand every little thing right as it's happening. I can't express how much I want to say, "Okay, God, that was bloody miserable, but I made it through. So, if you please, would you tell me what about that situation benefitted anyone? 'Cause I'd really like to know. Now. Please."
Life just sucks sometimes. And it can suck for looooong-ass periods of time, too. But, there's something in it. Last Sunday, we were outlining the book of Genesis and we touched briefly on the story of Joseph and how his brothers hated him and so on. I got to thinking about how long Joseph had to wait until God fulfilled the promise that He made clear to Joseph in a dream of his. I don't think I'd have been able to make it without throwing little hissy fits all over the place. And Job, even. His story is a difficult one to wrap our heads around, and quite frankly, I think that many Christians just pretend to understand the gravity of it. I mean, obviously there are people who are much closer to empathizing with him than others, but.....yeah.
Something that pisses me off is when people try to deny or ignore the power of an "unfortunate" situation, or series of situations by trying to stay as frothily lofty as possible. I liken it to stuffing your mouth full of that fake whipped cream non-frosting frosting. While I in no way believe that one should wallow in the feces of life, I do feel very strongly that putting off feelings of anger/doubt/frustration/etc. as soon as they come and donning an attitude of "nothing can get me down" may have a counter-productive effect. In fact, I know it can. Happily licking that frosting off of your fingers only lasts so long before your tummy begins to rumble....
I have no real goal for this post. In fact, I'm not even sure what brought it on, but no matter. I've finally written something that I haven't yet considered deleting.
Welcome to my mind.
